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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26624032">Be it the falcons, the clouds or the cross</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vandereer/pseuds/Vandereer'>Vandereer</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Piece</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gay, M/M, Navel-Gazing, Relationship Study, mentions of depression</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:42:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,227</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26624032</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vandereer/pseuds/Vandereer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>With little company on Kuraigana except the man Zoro plans on fighting to the death someday, Zoro talks with Perona about some feelings he's been trying to bury.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Monkey D. Luffy/Roronoa Zoro</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>137</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Be it the falcons, the clouds or the cross</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is ludicrously navel gaze-y fair warning. This is just me puking some zolu thoughts and feelings into something resembling a story. I dragged this kicking and screaming out of my discards pile from a year ago. </p><p>Title is from Wish you were here by Florence + The Machine because I’m GAY leave me ALONE! </p><p>Not beta-read. Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Zoro didn't sleep his first few nights on Kuraigana Island. </p><p> </p><p>Every night he fell into the rapids of confusing stress dreams, if he managed to sleep long enough to dream at all.</p><p>If armies of Pacifistas weren’t chasing him, then he was replaying the events of Thriller Bark over and over on a loop.</p><p> </p><p>The bubble of Luffy's damage always got bigger in his dreams. Sometimes he could take it, but most of the time he succumbed to the brutality of taking all of Luffy's pain and collapsed. He was then forced to watch Kuma drag his captain away, inert, bleeding - <em> useless. </em></p><p> </p><p>Sometimes he woke up before he plunged his hands into Kuma’s bubble, sweating and struggling to breathe. Like he did today, sweating into his sheets as his unconscious mind forced his body awake.</p><p> </p><p>Zoro groaned and rolled his shoulders, to try and ease the uncomfortable feeling of sweat under his bandages. After what he had read in the papers about Luffy’s brother, he didn’t want to get out of bed.</p><p>Zoro considered going back to sleep, then jerked as something cold ran up his spine. </p><p><em> “Horo Horo Horo!” </em>the little ghost burbled at him as it flew out from under his bandages, turning his sweat cold.</p><p>"How long are ya gonna sulk for?” Perona crooned in her sickly-sweet voice, floating through the wall with a titter.</p><p> </p><p>“Shut up. Leave me alone” Zoro grumbled as he buried himself further into his pile of blankets. He felt like someone had sliced opened his guts and left him gasping for breath, like a fish on the shitty cook’s chopping board.</p><p> </p><p>Zoro’s captain was alone and hurting, his crew scattered to the winds and he couldn't do a thing to protect any of them. </p><p> </p><p>He felt <em> entitled </em>to a little sulking. </p><p> </p><p>Perona sighed dramatically. “You’re no fun, why’d it have to be <em> you </em>that fell out of the sky?”</p><p> </p><p>Zoro didn’t have time to answer, even if he’d been planning to. The heavy doors swung open and slammed against the wall, making streams of dust rain from the high ceiling. </p><p> </p><p>Mihawk blew in like a gale and looked down at Zoro fiercely. “I told you to be waiting in the yard at nine-thirty sharp!”</p><p>His golden eyes flicked over Zoro’s slumped shoulders and messy blankets. Perona smiled up at him, sending another of her ghosts flying over to blow a raspberry in Mihawk's face. </p><p> </p><p>Mihawk waved the ghost away, making it disappear with a sad coo when his hand brushed through it. “Be outside in the next twenty minutes or I’ll reconsider training you.”</p><p>Mihawk slammed the door behind him. </p><p> </p><p>Zoro groaned. For once in his life he didn't feel like training. It wasn't his injuries that prevented him from moving, but the weight on his chest the nightmares had left. </p><p> </p><p>Perona stuck her tongue out at his back. "He doesn't mean it, he's always cranky before he has his coffee. I think he’s excited to have someone to teach. You can take your time.”</p><p> </p><p>Perona sent another of her little negative ghosts flying at Zoro. He felt the cold pass through him, but was surprised to find that he didn’t feel any worse than he did before.</p><p> </p><p>Chopper had spoken about depression to him a couple of times, but Zoro had always shrugged off his concerns. He didn't want to seem weak in front of someone who looked up to him. Chopper was like a little brother to him, and it felt too weird talking about his deepest insecurities with him. </p><p> </p><p>Perona looked shocked at his lack of reaction. When in the past he had fallen to waxing poetic about his desire to have been born a clam. </p><p> </p><p>"What's wrong with you? Is it the thing in the newspaper-" Perona said, her eyes widening in realisation. "-about your captain?" </p><p>"Yeah." Zoro said flatly. </p><p> </p><p>Though seeing Luffy appear on the front page of the papers was nothing short of a miracle, Luffy just lost his goddamn <em> brother </em>. Meanwhile, Zoro was stuck here, unable to hold his captain or offer a single word to comfort him. </p><p> </p><p>Zoro had never felt more useless, and he was supposed to be Luffy's first mate, the first one Luffy turned to when things got too much to bear. </p><p> </p><p>Perona checked over her nails. "Well, it's not like there's anything you can do about it, so why worry?" </p><p>"That's the stupidest thing I've heard anyone say, ever." </p><p>She put her hands on her hips and flew into the air above him. "Hey, I'm trying to <em> help </em> you here!" </p><p> </p><p>Zoro felt another chill as Perona pounced onto his shoulder. "Maybe it would feel better if ya talked about it?" </p><p>"Why? You'd make fun of me."</p><p>"I would not! I'll pinkie swear on it!" </p><p>"<em> Pinkie swear? </em>" Zoro repeated, as Perona held out her little finger towards him. </p><p>"It's only <em> the </em>most sacred of promises! Come on!" </p><p>Zoro sat up and scowled at her. Perona was struggling to not smile, biting her lip as if she were fit to burst if she didn't get the gossip. </p><p>Zoro wrapped his little finger around Perona’s, and she positively <em> beamed. </em></p><p> </p><p>The words leaked out of Zoro pathetically. "I think I'm in love with my captain - with Luffy." </p><p> </p><p>Perona gasped. "In love, <em> you </em>?" </p><p>"What's so shocking about that?" </p><p>Perona lay on her stomach next to him and kicked her feet lazily in the air.  "You don't seem like the<em> romantic </em> type to me. You spend a lot of time thinking about carrying your love away on a white horse, huh?" </p><p> </p><p>Zoro bristled, as if the mushy love at first sight crap was anything like the deep loyalty and connection he felt. </p><p> </p><p>"How long have you felt like this?" Perona asked. </p><p>"I don't know..." </p><p> </p><p>Since always? That might not be so accurate, Zoro was too dense about feelings to really know if what he felt towards Luffy in the early days could be called 'love'. </p><p> </p><p>Then he thought about Alabasta, back to that terrible blood red evening when Luffy got dragged away by Crocodile to face his death alone, and Zoro was left in charge of the crew. That was the first time it really hit him, that his duty as first mate was to lead the crew even if his captain was alone and bleeding and dying. It was all he could do to distract himself from it for a while, lift his weights and try to ignore the cook's jabs about how much he was fretting. </p><p> </p><p>As they had escaped, after Luffy had sacrificed himself to buy Vivi some time, Zoro had thought about what was going to happen even if they survived the clashing of the armies in Alubarna. Even if they escaped Baroque works with their lives, Luffy would still be dead and they would have to try to continue to chase their dreams without him. </p><p> </p><p>Very few things in the entire world seemed worse than that to Zoro. </p><p> </p><p>Zoro knew he wouldn't make much of a captain, even with Nami preventing them all from getting lost, he was no Luffy. He was kind of a lone wolf when it got down to things, he didn't have that draw - that sunny disposition like the one that magnetised people to Luffy so naturally. Even if they survived Alabasta with him in charge, the crew would have quickly fallen apart. </p><p>Would he have to rename the Straw Hat Pirates to the Three Sword Pirates?</p><p> </p><p>A pirate crew led by Pirate Hunter Zoro, now <em> there </em> was some irony for you. </p><p> </p><p>Sanji would in no way respect his captaincy, nor would Zoro expect him to. He would probably leave. </p><p> </p><p>With the cook gone, the rest of the crew would no doubt follow. Maybe Usopp and Chopper would cling to Zoro for a while, out of familiarity or desperation. But with no captain, no cook to gather them together for meals anymore, Zoro would probably find himself alone again. A bounty hunter once more maybe, struggling to find another ship to latch onto to continue his pursuit of being the greatest swordsman. </p><p> </p><p>A future without Luffy in it didn't seem one worth living in, not really. That's why Zoro went along with Luffy's whims, stuck by his side, even why he fought tooth and claw for Luffy to keep it together back at Water 7. He would do anything to have things stay the same; Luffy at the lead, Zoro by his side, and the two of them working to keep their crew - their <em> family </em>together. </p><p> </p><p>Even if it meant some harsh judgement calls. Even if it meant Usopp and Zoro's relationship hadn't been quite the same after Enies Lobby. </p><p> </p><p>He would keep this together. </p><p> </p><p>By some miracle, Luffy came falling out of the sky during the fight at Alubarna, and Zoro didn't have to think any of that being a possibility. Not for a little while at least. </p><p> </p><p>Not unless the next cataclysm made him think about it again. </p><p> </p><p>Zoro's fears soon became the background radiation of his life, he would drive himself insane if he had to think about his captain dying as deeply as that night in Alabasta. </p><p>So he shoved his fear deep down, until diving into the sea to save Luffy from drowning became routine, life or death situations the norm. </p><p> </p><p>The crew could probably survive without Zoro, they most certainly could not without Luffy.</p><p> </p><p>The crew needed Luffy, Zoro needed Luffy, the <em> world </em> needed Luffy.</p><p> </p><p>Alabasta, that was where it had started.</p><p> </p><p>"A while." Zoro said, after a lot of sighing and grinding of teeth. </p><p> </p><p>Perona folded her arms. "So? What makes you so special? You're not the first first mate to fall in love with his captain." </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you, that makes me feel SO much better!" Zoro growled, flinching away as Perona tried to poke him with her cold ghost-hands.</p><p>"Are you gonna tell him?" </p><p>"<em>No!</em> Don't be stupid."</p><p>“You’re planning on keeping it a secret forever? He’s going to find out at some point or another.”</p><p>Zoro snorted. “Luffy isn’t exactly the observant type, least of all when it comes to stuff like this. Why would he ever find out?”<br/>
“Because if you’re as obnoxious about it as you are right now, any idiot could tell what you’re feeling!" Perona sighed. "And anyway, bottling up your feelings isn't a good way to handle anything. I think you should tell him."</p><p> </p><p>"It'll make things awkward. Not just for him and me, but for the rest of the crew, too! I'm not burdening them with my own personal bullshit."</p><p> </p><p>Zoro hopped off the bed, since Perona was sending more Hollows into his blankets, where they were curling up and pretending to snuggle under his sheets.</p><p> </p><p>"Well, you managed to get out of bed. You should probably go see Hawky. Maybe he has some advice for your love life!" </p><p> </p><p>Perona yawned and fluttered her hand in a goodbye as Zoro opened the heavy doors and slammed them behind him. He'd rather walk a mile barefoot on jagged rocks than tell Mihawk any of this. </p><p> </p><p>In the courtyard, Mihawk waited for Zoro amongst the swirling fog and chunks of rubble. His arms were folded and his eyes shone with angry impatience.</p><p>"What took you so long?"</p><p> </p><p>Zoro didn't have an answer for him. He held his katanas limp in his hands, his shoulders slumped and his eyes on the ground by Mihawk's feet. “Can I ask you something?”<br/>
“I suppose.”</p><p>“Is it better to tell the truth, or live a lie when it serves a bigger cause?”</p><p>Mihawk’s eyes flicked over him as he thought for a microsecond. “Running away from the truth serves nothing in the end, you’d only be hurting yourself and everyone around you.”</p><p>“But-” Zoro said, trying not to groan at how pathetic he thought himself. For asking this question of<em> Mihawk </em> of all people. "What about when you can’t even begin to put it into words - when words aren't <em> enough?” </em></p><p>“It’s still better to try, rather than running away from what you feel. What are you, a man or a mouse?”</p><p>Zoro jerked his head back up, meeting Mihawk's level gaze. </p><p>"Yes, I know about it. You could try being a <em> little </em>less obvious." </p><p> </p><p>Zoro winced, staring at the ground at his feet and begging for it to swallow him up. “You think I’m being stupid, I should suck it up and continue training.”</p><p>“No, it’s natural to want to grieve, he <em> is </em> your captain after all - his pain is your pain.”</p><p> </p><p>Zoro flinched at those words. There was no way Mihawk could possibly have known about Kuma, and his eyes didn’t betray any hint that he had found out somehow.</p><p> </p><p>“I can give you today, if you are truly not ready to fight.” Mihawk continued. “But from what I understand, this man is the whole reason you debased yourself in front of me in the first place. You want to get stronger for <em> him, </em> correct?”<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Heavily, Zoro nodded.</p><p> </p><p>“The choice is up to you - start now, or start later. But you will have to start sometime.”</p><p> </p><p>Zoro clenched his swords tighter in his hands.</p><p> </p><p>He was going to fight</p><p> </p><p>Fight to see Luffy again, fight to become someone worthy of re-joining his captain in two years time. </p><p> </p><p>To make Luffy the Pirate King, and be strong enough to stay at his side for ever.</p><p><br/>
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